Sit back, relax and enjoy this guide to flying!

Double Vision with Charlie Adley

As the holiday season approaches those lucky enough to be flee to warmer climes will have to face the trauma of flying. Long gone are those halcyon days when going up in the air in a metal cylinder was perceived as glamorous and fun.

I remember when the notion of flying sounded incredibly exciting. For reasons that now completely escape me, the idea of a pre-cooked reheated meal-for-one served in a silver foil dish at 30,000 feet represented the height of glamour.

If you are flying Ryanair there’s not much I can do for you. Everyone has their own coping strategy for budget airlines. Mine involves paying the extra for a 15kg bag, priority boarding, 5mg of valium and ear plugs, so that each time the cabin crew announce over the tannoy:

“Now sit back, relax and enjoy your flight” I do not explode in rage, wondering why if that is truly their wish, they then disturb me every five minutes while trying to sell me Beyoncé eau de toilette, train tickets, e-cigarettes, sachets of gin and vodka, scratch cards for the homeless, little model Ryanair planes and vile soggy ham and cheese concoctions.

“Sit back, relax, and enjoy your flight.”

One of the greatest examples of disingenuousness of the modern age.

However, if you are lucky enough to be flying on a long haul flight to another continent, I offer you the following suggestions:

Get the the airport as early as is feasible. Ignore those who flashily say that they like to arrive at the last minute. They are fools. However early you arrive there will already be a queue for check-in. That is because however anal you are about timekeeping, there are always others who are more so.

When you approach the check-in desk, put on your best voice and ask the corporate hume if there is any chance of an upgrade.

They will look at you as if you are a scumball chancer from Hell, but there is a chance they might say:

“Why yes, as it happens today you are traveling Business/Connoisseur/First Class!”

To read Charlie’s column in full, please see this week’s Galway City Tribune.