Paddy proclaims himself to be a fool with fake proclamation

Bradley Bytes – A sort of political column by Dara Bradley

We already warned you last week about the arse-lickery that goes on during elections to the upper house.

Seanad hopefuls travel around the country plámasing the electorate, which includes almost 1,000 county and city councillors.

The Seanad election candidates will generally do or say anything to get the councillors’ vote.

Some bring with them bottles of whiskey to persuade; others bring bottles full of compliments to massage the councillors’ egos.

Councillors are at the bottom of the political food chain. They know it. We know it. The Seanad hopefuls know it – many of them are councillors sure, and that’s why they’re trying to get out. Everyone knows it.

But Seanad elections are the one time when councillors are made to feel important. It doesn’t make them important; just makes them feel important.

Politicians, being the egomaniacs that they are, love to feel important.

And that’s why the ordinarily powerless councillors love Seanad elections, because they get to experience what it might feel like to have power.

It’s also a rare opportunity to lie down on the floor and have their bellies tickled by ambitious types seeking to climb up the greasy political pole.

Councillors know they’re being plámased, but their massive egos preclude them from calling a halt to the whole charade.

And so they play along, and absorb the fuzzy-feeling they get when Seanad hopefuls blow smoke up their bottoms.

It sort of sustains them when normal service resumes and the rest of the political class again starts treating them like something smelly they’ve trod on and that’s stuck to the underside of their shoes.

The arse-lickery of Seanad hopefuls was well documented here last week. But we can confirm that we have found levels of brown-nosing, the likes of which have never before been seen outside of animals in a zoo or the wilds of Africa.

Paddy Burke, in an attempt to swell heads, delved so far into every councillors’ hidden orifice, there were fears he might not re-emerge.

Senator Burke, Cathaoirleach of the Seanad, spent enormous sums of money on drawing up a ‘proclamation’ that he’s sent to councillors countrywide.

The ‘proclamation’ is Paddy’s ode to a councillor, in which he goes to great lengths to bestow greatness.

“I, Senator Paddy Burke, Cathaoirleach of the Seanad, Poblacht na hÉireann, in this commemorative year of 2016, present this proclamation to you in appreciation and acknowledgement of the outstanding contribution you make to public service and local government,” concludes the missive, written on glossy cardboard in the style of the actual proclamation.

What precedes this is too voluminous to document, but he lauds the “professional and dignified” recipients.

He “expresses my appreciation of your initiative and personal commitment to serving the needs and interests of citizens”.

He pays tribute to councillors’ “well-earned reputation for never turning away a citizen” and for their “evident passion and determination in going the extra mile to achieve the best result”.

It traipses into ‘egos exploding’ territory, when read alongside an equally gushing explanatory letter, where he “acknowledges the valuable contribution councillors made to the development of Ireland over the last 100 years.”

Ugh – pass the sick bucket, Paddy. The only thing worse than Paddy’s brown-nosing, arse-lickery, is that this being Ireland where sleeveen plámasing was invented, it’ll probably work, and he’ll top the poll.

For more, read this week’s Galway City Tribune.