It’s hounds, not humans who show skill when on a hunt

Date Published: {J}

They want to ban it? Ridiculous. Just because some doe-eyed people think it’s a bit cruel they’re going to criminalise the noble chase. If you ask me it’s not cruel enough. I’d like to see them not only hunt these animals down, but tie them up, go at them with knives, bats and broken bottles, and then set them on fire. It’s part of their natural life cycle anyway. If we didn’t cull them unmercifully the streets of Galway would be overrun like Dublin. And frankly, tearing them apart with dogs is too good for them – especially if they’re wearing offensive t-shirts and carrying inflatable sex dolls.

What? Oh, stags. I thought they meant stag parties. Hunting those down is great sport – especially if they’re already drunk. The way they scream, how they try to hide and beg and plead for mercy, you can tell they enjoy it really.

I’ve no objection to hunting. Seriously. I am not a vegetarian by any means – in fact I eat far more delicious meat than is good for me. So I can’t criticise people stalking and shooting wild deer. Not as long as they dress them, cure or freeze them, and serve them for dinner until the whole family is heartily sick of venison. It must be the least cruel, inhuman and environmentally harmful way of eating meat possible.

But let’s face it, setting hounds on an animal is to hunting what kicking someone in the head is to playing soccer – closely associated but only superficially similar. These people talk of the thrill of the chase, the natural urge to pursue, but they are not using human skill and instinct to stalk their prey. It’s the hounds that are doing all the clever stuff, the ‘hunters’ only following on horses. Somehow though you never hear people wax lyrical about the noble art of chasing after some dogs.

As for foxes – well I’ll believe that’s a hunt when they all sit down to a nice fox roast afterwards. Go on, eat up. It’ll put hair on your teeth. Incidentally, does anyone else find what’s happening in England suspicious? The Tories are back in power for ten minutes and wham, suddenly foxes start eating babies. My bet is that before long hunters will be portrayed as heroes riding to the rescue, like the Klu Klux Klan at the end of The Birth of a Nation. I can just see Boris Johnson leading the world’s first urban hunt.

I think we should all kill animals. That is, if we want to be allowed to eat them. Any meat-based meal should begin with the dispatch of the non-human guests. Duck-strangling for starters, shoot your sheep then serve the soup. Carveries would become stabberies, buffets snuffets.

Most of us eat too much animal produce. We’d probably cut down a bit if our breakfast sausage and bacon were preceded by vigorous struggling and squealing. I’m pretty sure too that the slaughter of animals would get a lot more humane if we had to sit through it and still have an appetite afterwards. No blood and shit spraying in all directions at your Michelin-starred restaurant, that’s for sure.