Empty nest parents better viewed as former owners

A Different View with Dave O’Connell

there’s a wonderful line in Sebastian Barry’s new novel, Old God’s Time, when the main character, retired Garda Inspector Tom Kettle, is thinking back on his younger family days; as it transpires – and this is not giving too much away – they’re all dead now and that’s why he has plenty of time for reflection.

And as he looks back with love and fondness on life with his son and daughter, he remembers when the world revolved around them – and comes up with an interesting perspective on his evolved connection.

“Talk about the children,” writes Barry, “with the reverence and pride of former owners.”

Because that’s what parents become – former owners.

Not that we ever actually owned them, but we were once completely responsible for their every want and need. And then, no matter how we might rage against the light, we have to let them go.

The best you can hope for is that they come back occasionally, and of their own free will. There’s nothing worse than grown children who come home as if they’ve booked in for a guilt trip.

It’s a difficult, and often heart-breaking, transition that comes to all parents; one day the little mites are holding your hand crossing the street and the next day they’re crossing the street to avoid you.

One day you know their inner-most, innocent secrets; the next you don’t even know what county – or maybe country – they’re in.

You evolve into having to knock on doors in your own home for fear of causing an international incident. You frequently return home to a house full of guests – and you’ve never seen any of them ever before.

For more, read this week’s Connacht Tribune.

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