Can we please change the rules of gender warfare?

Double Vision with Charlie Adley

To the redheaded woman wearing a green top in the lift last night: I am truly sorry you felt I had been so rude. In fact I felt gutted that my efforts were wasted. Everything I’d done was deliberately planned so that you’d not feel threatened in any way.

As I walked up to the lift I saw you and other man waiting. He was clearly not with you, so as the doors closed, I was aware that you were in a late night lift with two strange men. Each of us blokes took a corner, as did you, and where normally I’d prefer to make eye contact with another human being, I declined, because in that context it might seem a bit dodgy.

All of us were going up to the fourth floor. I’ve stayed in that hotel many times before, and know well its long lonely corridors, punctuated by twin swing doors every twenty paces. Beyond each set of doors you can see only darkness, with motion-sensitive lighting coming on as you walk further.

The system works well, but if you were a woman late at night with two blokes behind you and darkness up ahead, you might feel it’s scary as hell.

That’s what I reckoned anyway, which is why, when the lift doors opened, I resisted every instinct in my body to sweep my arm in gentlemanly fashion and offer you the chance to step out first, ahead of me. My Dad instilled in me manners, of the old school variety, which are deeply engrained in my being.

Heading swiftly out of the lift, I was followed by the other bloke, who was also large and heavy-footed. Holding each and every door open for him, I could feel the sink of the floorboards as he paced close behind me. I was pleased he was behind me, as with both of us ahead of you, neither man need know which room you stopped at.

Then his footsteps disappeared, and as I went through the final twin swing doors, I was sure I was alone.

You were still behind, so that was my only error. I was just about to walk into my room as you came walking by, and in an American/Canadian accent said:

“You’re a real gentleman you are!”

To read Charlie’s column in full, please see this week’s Galway City Tribune.