Be wary when moving to places of very low morals

Country Living with Francis Farragher

A colleague of mine who has sampled both country and city life over the years sent me on a link last week highlighting the plight of a Lancashire farmer in the UK who was quite obviously at ‘his wits end’ as regards neighbours not exactly enraptured by the sounds, smells and general hullabaloo coming from his farm and yard.

Stephen Nolan, a farmer in his mid-40s, is a breeder of Shire and Clydesdale horses – magnificent animals with giant legs and feet – but the poor man hit something of a brick wall when he tried to enlarge his sheds to house his animals.

The inevitable objection from the neighbours scuppered his plans, prompting him to erect a notice on his farm gate, spelling out the realities of living out the country for the ‘townies’ who move out to more rustic climes and expect that all animals will be tucked away in their beds at night by 10pm and not awaken again until well after dawn.

His sign said it all and reads: “Notice. This property is a farm. Farms have animals. Animals make funny sounds; smell bad and have sex outdoors. Unless you can tolerate the above, don’t buy a property next to a farm.”

Apart from his Shire horses ‘breaking wind’ from both ends of the pipe at any hour of the day or night, Mr. Nolan – according to his neighbours – has also been a pretty abject failure at instilling any sense of discipline into his flock of hens and chickens, who lay accused of cackling too loudly as they go about their daily business. And don’t mention those geese.

The geese – as well as being involved in hours of endless chatter – have been known to ramble off down the country lanes near Stephen Nolan’s farm without showing due consideration for other road users that they meet on their travels.

Geese, from personal childhood experiences, have always been a law unto themselves and have earned my respect since a particularly vicious gander got his beak stuck into me at a time when I had scarcely seen six Summers.

For more, read this week’s Connacht Tribune.